Jen’s IM Canada
Saturday, October 02, 2010
The Guts to Fail, by Jen Szabo
The Guts to Fail
By Jen Szabo
I’ve dreamed of crossing the Ironman finish line since I did my first triathlon, on a mountain bike, in 2006. I’ve visualized the crowd chanting, banging their hands against the rails and stomping their feet in the metal stands that lined the finishing chute. I’ve been overcome with emotions with these thoughts as they continued to drive me forward to reaching my ‘someday I’ll do an Ironman’ goal. Little did I know that three short years later, after doing that first triathlon, I would be signing up for my first Ironman and working for the next year in order to reach that seemingly impossible ‘someday’.
I woke up race morning remembering words Scott, my coach, had said the night before, “If I were to get a call right now from the race director stating the race was canceled, would you still be proud of the journey and consider yourself a success?”
I nodded my head yes as my memory took me back to not only the past 365 days, but my entire journey of choosing to live a healthier lifestyle through triathlon. I had pictures in my mind of the six months following my decision to sign up for Ironman Canada. There were the Sunday mornings my girlfriends and I headed up to Red Rocks Amphitheater for a brutal boot camp workout. I now think that I can out push up, reverse stair crab crawl and jumping jack squat anyone…except Lida, but she’s an animal! I remembered the Wednesday night ski conditioning classes and giggling in misery at one another. I also pictured how awkward it must have been to on-lookers when I was in the ‘ring’ sparring with a nationally ranked boxing champion and doing a pretty good job of getting my ass kicked!
Back to race morning, in the hallway of the hotel a few teammates and I were gathering before heading down to the lake. I whispered to one of them “I’m frightened” and he whispered back “I am too”. This was the same frightening feeling I had when I attended my first group run in 2004. At 250 pounds I thought I didn’t belong there. Knowing that one of the people I look up to most in life was frightened too, actually gave me some relief and the sense that I did belong.
Thousands of people were on the streets of Penticton at 6 am that morning. I found my way to the transition area, visited my swim-to-bike bag and my bike-to-run bag one last time (as if something disappeared overnight). On impulse I decided to put my inhaler in the pocket of my running skirt, at this point I wasn’t thinking I’d need it, but I didn’t know where else to put it. Lastly, I said hello to Grease Lighting, my triathlon bike, making sure it was ok after spending the night outside without my supervision (ok really I was checking the tires and putting my nutritional needs on the bike). Bento box now filled with Clif Bloks, Mojo bar pieces and Salt Tabs, I put on my blueseventy wetsuit and headed for the water.
The crowd at the swim start was lined up for about a half mile alongside the lake and was at least five people deep. Although not my first time at an Ironman event, it was my first time as an athlete looking out into the crowd, and I was awed. 2800 nervous triathletes at the beginning of a 2.4 mile swim is an awesome site and I was so inspired! The crowd chanted the count down, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and the cannon sounded as thousands of yellow and red caps dove into the water. I walked slowly as others hurried past me. Finally, I looked at my watch realizing a full minute and thirty seconds had passed and I wasn’t even knee deep yet. I took a deep breath and dove in. I could not believe how clear the water was. I was able to see the bottom of the lake, I could see my hand extending out in front of me on every stroke and I could see most of the swimmers around me…helpful for not getting kicked in the face or gut! I would once again wind up swimming next to my friend Mary who I always try to make laugh as we swim along.
My mind likes to day dream a little when I swim for a long time. I thought about the morning swims during training where I would drag myself out of bed, drive up to Boulder and show up 45 minutes before my friends with hopes that when they showed-up to do the same exact workout they didn’t beat me out of the water and finish before me. I became more confident as I remember by the end of the season I was sleeping in a bit more and finishing the workouts with them.
I rounded the first house boat then the second and I was now swimming towards the shore. Having counted the buoys on the way out (yes, a true Szabo OCD moment) I was now counting down the number of buoys to the finish. Sighting near the shore I could see many athletes struggling to walk on the rocks that lined the bottom of the lake, I made the decision that I would swim until I hit the ramp using the rocks as leverage to drive me forward. 1:31, the longest distance and absolutely the best swim I had ever done!
Two volunteers helped remove my wetsuit while another one scurried to find my transition bag. I’m generally pretty stupid after getting out of the water but who wouldn’t be after laying horizontal for over an hour depleted of oxygen and then you jump up as fast as you can and the blood now rushes away from your brain. Having thoroughly walked through the transition area the day before and taping a check off list to the inside of my bag I knew exactly what needed to be done and was confident I wouldn’t forget anything. Plus FastForward Coach Anna was volunteering in the tent paying special attention to her F4 “lip stick chicks!” Clothes were changed, pockets filled with baggies of Clif Endurance powder, check off list checked and a last minute decision to put arm warmers on, and now I was ready to hit the road for 112 miles.
I knew the first 40 miles of the bike were somewhat flatish with one small climb. I stuck to the plan, (which yes was printed out and taped to my aero bars), of staying well under my target heart rate. The Okanagan Valley was filled with the most beautiful and freshest fruit crops. Apple and peach trees lined the road with hundreds of fully ripened grape vines. At my pace I can take in the sceneryJ.
I stopped at mile 30 to refill my bottles and geared up mentally as I knew in about 10 miles I’d be climbing. When I made the turn onto Richter Pass there was an aid station and I really needed to empty my bladder so I stopped again. This is where I met up with Susan and Marianne. It was comforting to see them both but I worried about my pacing as I shouldn’t be catching up to them. Susan assured me of how strong of a cyclist I am. We climbed Richter together leap frogging one another as we all have individual strengths (Marianne hammers up those climbs so effortlessly, Susan stays to her power and me…I fly down those mountains like I’m on a rollercoaster!)
We leap frogged for much of the way to special needs at mile 75. In the distance you could see the downpour of rain on Yellow Lake, our next long climb. I had wondered how those in front were dealing with the weather and when/if the ‘leaders of the back’ would get any of it. The temps did drop and there was some light rain leading up to the out and back near special needs but certainly nothing like I could see happening at the top of Yellow Lake. Once at special needs I repacked my pockets with Clif Endurance, refilled my bento box with other assorted Clif goodies and headed back out for what I hoped would be 37 miles of great climbing effort followed by a smokin’ fast descend back into Penticton.
My hopes were short lived as it was 30ish miles of climbing into a nasty head wind! By now my chest was starting to get tight from the cold winds coming at me and the hot air I was pushing out. As I climbed to Twin Lakes my breathing became louder and louder and I couldn’t get a full breath. My heart rate was high and I knew I had started ‘burning some matches’ by continuing on at this effort. I came up on Jennifer before we summit who was so excited to see me, I am sure we talked the entire way to the top. I mentioned to her that until 6 weeks prior I had never ridden a 100 miles before. Now, I had done it 4 times and love it!
As we started to descend we were still faced with the same strong head winds. You know there is something wrong when you are heading down a mountain at 11 mph and pedaling. Up until this point I hadn’t looked at my watch the entire ride but I looked down and realized that I really needed to get out on the run course to complete the 26.2 miles of running I had ahead of me. I opened my match book and burned every single one of those remaining matches going against the wind trying to get back into town (figuratively speaking as I would of likely started a forest fire!).
I was really looking forward to seeing each and every one of my F4 teammates out on the run course. We all really bonded this season and it was important for me to see them but also important to let them know I was going to make it! As I pedaled down Main Street I could see Win and then Ron nearing the finish. If all went as planned then I should have seen Scott at this time too. I rushed into transition and changed as quickly as I could; still having trouble breathing I pulled out my inhaler and took two much needed puffs. As I headed out to the run course I heard a cheer coming from the VIP area it was Brodie! I was greeted by the cutest two-year-old smile in the world! Having figured that Scott would be nearing the finish line I thought it to be odd that Brodie and Liz were casually cheering from the VIP tent. I thought to ask Liz where Scott was but knew she’d likely not tell me if anything was wrong… instead telling me to focus on my race.
Out of transition lightning fast I saw Dirk on his way to the finish! I gave him a huge shout as he entered the finish shoot and I headed out on the course. I met Anna at about mile 3. Tears began to flow as I feared I didn’t get off the bike with enough time to finish the run by midnight. Anna was very encouraging pointing out just how fast I’d have to run to make it. It would be close and quite a challenge but it gave me some confidence. By this time Marianne, Jennifer and Donna had all passed me and were now out in front.
I saw Philip next who stopped to give me a hug. I knew something was up and asked where Scott was. Philip assured me he was fine and I’d be seeing him shortly. It really meant a lot for me as an athlete to train all year and to be doing this race as an athlete with Scott, the guy who has been so instrumental in my life’s journey. Shortly after seeing Philip I gave a high four to Michael.
The next three miles I thought about all the things I wanted to say to Scott. How proud I was of him and for showing me perseverance today. (Scott was in that storm I could see miles away on the bike and suffered a bit of hypothermia, nearly causing him to drop from the race.) For always pushing me to find comfort in discomfort. Thanking him for always correcting my words when I say them wrong, use them wrong or spell them incorrectlyJ. At the mile 6ish aid station I caught eye contact with him. He was on the other end of the aid station heading my way; instant tears come rolling out of my eyes. I hugged him with an endearing embrace as he encouraged me to stay focused, move swiftly and he’d be seeing me at the finish line. Not a word did I say to him. I just cried with joy, excitement and fear.
One by one my teammates were running the other direction to the finish. Dougie, Erin, Tom, Tomko, Marjie, Chris, Tim, Kathleen. By now the sun was setting, I hardly noticed the sunset as I was focused on my run 7 minutes walk 1 minute plan. This was perfect as I needed to do 15 minute miles, so at the end of the second 7 min run I should have been another full mile along. Susan and Jiva passed by, then Sue. When I saw Barb, I ran up to her letting her know I was not going to fail, I didn’t know at the time what I meant by it, but I was repeating that thought over and over in my head.
Ann and Rhonda looked like professional first time ironman athletes. Their smiles gave me a bit of an up lift, knowing they were doing so well! By now it was pretty dark and I was slowing down mile by mile. I saw Marianne, Doug, Russ, Jennifer, Donna and Lida all before the turn around. That was it, all teammates accounted for all having made the turn around so far…except me.
Having not looked at my watch since leaving transition I was not completely aware of the exact time. My lungs were tight; I must have puffed on that inhaler six or seven times out there. My head was filled with negative thoughts when a truck pulled up next to me. Talking from the passengers’ window the man let me know that I had three minutes to make the cut off. I asked him how far away it was and he thought it was about ½ mile…There’s no way I can run a true ½ mile in 3 minutes. I started to find peace with not making the cut off time. This was it, it would be over and there’s nothing I could have done about it. Out of anger I picked up the pace and ran faster then I have ever run before. I felt sensations of throwing up as I passed the crowd of three people that were still out there cheering. Then I heard my watch chime, it was nine o’clock and I thought for sure I’d be told to stop as I neared the turnaround. I kept running, rounded the turn around and began running in the other direction. Yep, I was still running, no one stopped me. I looked around sort of suspicious as to why I was still running. I was handed my special needs bag, which I took thinking this must be where they tell me I didn’t make the cut off. The woman asked if I had a jacket in there letting me know it gets cold around the lake. I quickly took out my long sleeve and kept running… still suspicious. My watch chimed, it had to be nine o’clock right???? (Never mind the fact that my watch could just be fast)
That same truck came up to me again. I expressed to them that I wasn’t out here fooling myself. I knew what time it was and I knew my pace. They understood but wanted to know if they could ride behind to light up the road for me anyway.
I started praying in song that I needed some sort of miracle. 3 hours left 13.1 miles after already having gone 13.1 miles, 112 miles on the bike and 2.4 miles in the water…it was a long shot but it could happen! Over and over I said to myself and whoever was listening that I needed some sort of miracle as I kept running. Two miles later I got that prayer answered. God doesn’t always answer prayers the way we want him to…and this would be one of those times when God’s answer wasn’t what I was asking for.
My miracle came in the form of a man named Matt. He ran up behind me and started to let me know just how far behind I was. He complimented me for making the cut off and informed me that I was the last one. No stranger to this kind of conversation, this time I very calmly asked him if he wanted to take my bib and my chip and just let me go. His response was that is not how Ironman likes to do things. They really needed to account for all of their racers and their safety.
We ran next to each other for another mile sharing my story of how far I’ve come and what exactly this meant to me. He said that was a whole lot more to be proud of then just this one day. That sounded an awful lot like what Scott told the team the night before and what I had thought of when I woke up that morning. Just then I asked him if I could “phone a friend” and I called Scott.
I was in a tough position and wasn’t sure the best decision to make at the time. Scott and I discussed the situation I had in front of me. I was assured that he and most of my teammates would be at the finish line waiting no matter what time I got there, but not the way I imagined it to be. There would be no crowd chanting, banging their hands against the rails and stomping their feet in the metal stands that lined the finishing chute. We also discussed what it means to fail, and someone who goes out there the way I did having the guts to fail is actually not a failure at all.
Matt explained that one day’s event does not make the person, it’s the journey. I was driven back to the transition area passing other teammates as they neared the finish. I had two choices at this moment. I could A) walk back to the hotel, close my hotel room door and shut myself off from my husband, team and the world feeling sorry for myself or B) I could meet everyone at the finish and celebrate in all of our successes. I chose B and have been celebrating my 130.6 mile journey ever since!
